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Baby feet. Old Feet. Cute feet. Gross feet.

November 26, 2011

Essays for Giggles

Recently, I was struck by the hideous state of most adult’s feet.  Both men and women freely exhibit their toes in the most jaw-droppingly disgusting state… and don’t seem to care!  These are the same people who showered, shaved, put on cologne and clothes, and seemed to give a damn about their appearance to the outside world, then casually thrust their squat, fat little feet into the slimmest idea of a “shoe” and prance around with the most disgusting external part of their body visible to anyone who might be say… eating.

The two-inch thick chunks of dead skin crusted on the heel, the Fred Flintstone big toe, the pinkie all curled up in a fetal position, the chipped metallic blue nail polish, are all enough to make one wonder if people think their toes are protected by an invisibility cloak.

Then I notice the chubby little feet of toddlers and remember how often I actually KISSED the toes of my own child and am made aware of one of nature’s many cruelties – what starts out as one of the cutest, most kissable parts of the human body slowly becomes the nastiest, most feral part of our hardworking anatomy.

I just want folks to take a moment to look at their feet… go on… do it… right now.  For the love of all that is holy, do they look like a werewolf’s paws?  Have they had any kind of grooming AT ALL within say… the past year?  Could you cut through a good inch layer of calluses before your brain recognized pain from hitting live skin?  If any of this is true for you, then please… please… for the sake of all of us with a weak stomach and a love for eating outdoors in the summer time, cover up those tootsies and/or get an intensive pedicure.

I thank you in advance.  We all do.  And remember, there is no shame in wearing boots.

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Renea Dijab

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22 Comments on “Baby feet. Old Feet. Cute feet. Gross feet.”

  1. Joan Says:

    An interesting topic for a first blog post! Even though I am guilty, I agree.

    Reply

  2. KS Says:

    Hear, hear! Preach on sister!

    It should be against the law for men to wear flip-flops more than 100 feet from a large body of water.

    Reply

  3. Bob Hickman Says:

    My feet are gross and I am proud of it! I have massive amounts of dead skin on my heels, the inside balls (of my feet), and on the big toe. The bottoms of my feet are like sandpaper and have been known to snag fine carpets. And as for my toenails—well my best friend used to make “caw caw” sounds whenever he saw them. The sound of my toenails clacking on the hardwood floors used to frighten his dogs.
    I’ve tried scrappers, knives, creams, and lotions—-all to no avail. So, I have given up and decided it’s easier to simply stay fat so that I no longer have to see my feet. Problem solved!
    Feet are supposed to be gross; that’s why God put them on the bottom.
    So, if you don’t like the sight of my gnarly feet… well, Kansas sang it best:
    “Look away, baby, look away.
    Don’t look at me;
    I don’t want you to see me this way.
    Look away, baby, look away.”

    Reply

    • reneadijab Says:

      I have such funny friends. And apparently disgusting ones as well.

      Reply

    • Tammy Says:

      Re. “Feet are supposed to be gross; that’s why God put them on the bottom.”

      My husband says, “Do you know why your feet stink? Because they grow out of your butt!” I think this is some sort of Bosnian joke or saying.

      Reply

      • reneadijab Says:

        Well that is an interesting twist on it. And a typical Bosnian joke… obscure… nonsensical… haven’t heard that one but I am sure A. would laugh his butt off.

  4. thejillist Says:

    Oh, this is hilarious! I swear I have long stared at my own feet and contemplated how absurdly strange that part of our anatomy really is. I was totally guilty of having nasty calluses and that thick greyish dead skin on the back of my heals. Then last year I made a pact with myself to get regular pedicures. And I’ve totally lived up to it. You’re welcome:)

    Reply

  5. playdatedropout82 Says:

    My husband…enjoys my feet, so I keep them in tip top condition. My 3 month old son, however, has the stinkiest feet I’ve ever smelled on a baby! Phew!

    Reply

  6. Keianna Says:

    Hilarious first post. My little guys have cute little feet and I always look at them and think, one day these things will be gross and I’ll not allow you to touch me with them.

    Reply

  7. Rachel E. Bledsoe Says:

    You have truly inspired to want to kiss my toddler’s feet. These are words I never imagined typing. They do not have a Fred Flintstone toe, yet. Great first post, hilarious and inspiring. I’m off to kiss some toddler feet now 🙂

    Reply

  8. Lisa Nolan at Monkey Star Pres Says:

    Don’t laugh, and DON’T TELL ANYBODY, I used to have a foot-fetish website. Shhh. It was years before I became a mom! LOL! Feet are either cute (babies and toddlers) or ugly (teens and husbands, LOL!) Where does that leave us?! It’s late, I’m getting punchy.

    Reply

  9. kellylmckenzie Says:

    Grinning. Thank you. You’ve reminded me of the time my friend was travelling home from the Czech Republic. She was mid-flight when a woman slipped her dirty, in dire need of a pedicure, foot onto my pal’s armrest. At left it there. My friend swatted it with her hand and it vanished. Thankfully. No words were exchanged.

    Reply

  10. Mary Says:

    Reminds me of pilates class! 😉

    Reply

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