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Favorite Worst Movie… Revealed!

December 5, 2011

Essays for Giggles

At dinner parties, sometimes I like to play a little game called “What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen?”  This is much more enlightening than asking about a good movie ‘cause people have to fess up to having watched it in the first place.

It is particularly fun when someone’s “worst” movie – say, a little ditty called “Zapped” in which Scott Baio  (which is your first mistake) has a mysterious power that allows him to see girls topless – is vigorously defended as another dinner guest’s “best” (you know who you are).

For me, the hands-down winner is “Jaws the Revenge, AKA Jaws 4” and yes, I am deeply ashamed to admit that I ever saw this movie, and while I am ‘fessing up, let me go ahead and acknowledge that I have actually seen all four Jaws movies in their entirety.  Some more than once. Cringe.

For those of you not of Planet Earth, and who have not seen the original “Jaws”, let me tell you in a nutshell, that it was the 1975 masterpiece of Steven Spielberg, based on the novel by Peter Benchley.  A Great White of epic proportions terrorizes the small coastal community of Amity Island by eating tourists and residents alike.  Spoiler alert:  The shark is blown up at the end by an exploding scuba tank lodged in its mouth.

Now on to the “plot”, as I loosely call it, of Jaws 4.  Some 22 years later, Ellen Brody played by the original actress, Lorraine Gary, wife of the former Police Chief (who is dead in this film because Roy Scheider had enough self-respect not to sign on for the role again), is convinced that THE shark is back to kill her family in “revenge” for her husband killing it… wait?  Huh?

How can a shark blown to smithereens two decades earlier terrorize anyone?  And let’s just say for the sake of argument that the shark only lay injured on the bottom of the ocean floor, healed, revived itself and went on to swim another day.  Where has he been for 22 years?  Why didn’t he come back sooner to eat Chief Brody since that is the one who actually killed him…wait?  Huh?  And how long do Great Whites live anyway?

Then you are expected to believe that this notorious killing machine with a brain the size of a walnut is capable of (a) harboring ill will (as opposed to just eating whatever is in front of it) (b) nurse revenge for decades like a slow gin fizz, (c) plot said revenge, (d) identify the wife and grown sons of his nemesis (how did he know who they were when the last time he saw them they were children?), and (e) somehow use its physic powers to follow Ellen Brody to the BAHAMAS, travelling hundreds of miles, and out of its natural cold water habitat.

I got a little helpful tip for you:  If you are ever being stalked by a sociopathic shark intent on killing you, how about you stay out, and off, of the freakin’ ocean?  OK, genius?  Don’t even fly over the ocean in a plane.  It has already taken down a helicopter or two (no I am not kidding).

The only thing more shockingly stupid than the plot is that Michael Caine, who one year earlier had won an ACADEMY AWARD for “Hannah and her Sisters”, starred in the cursed thing.  He has said:  “I have never seen the film, but by all accounts it was terrible. However I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.”  Great!  Thanks, Sir Michael Caine.  You get a fabulous house and we lose two precious hours of our lives and countless brain cells that we can never get back.

They should take his Academy Award away for that.

What do you consider your favorite worst movie to be?

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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One Comment on “Favorite Worst Movie… Revealed!”

  1. reneadijab Says:

    A. says “Brown Bunny” was the worst movie he has ever seen. And it was pretty bad. We had to fast forward to “the scene” and then turn it off.

    Reply

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