Can I get an Amen? Christmas Decorations in June

December 18, 2011

Can I get an Amen?, Holiday Stories

“Can I get an Amen?” is the name of my new “column” that will appear frequently in this blog.  The subject of each essay will fall under the category of “things I cannot stand.”  If they are also things that YOU cannot stand, then I’d like “to get an amen.


As the “actual” holidays are finally upon us, as opposed to the three month hoopla leading up to Christmas and New Year’s Eve, I want to issue a gentle reminder to everyone reading this, that is it NOT appropriate to leave up Christmas decorations, outdoor or indoor, past New Year’s Day.


In order to spare you the drudgery on New Year’s, and possibly interfering with your hangover recovery, depending on what day of the week that the New Year falls, you have UP TO one full week, through the next weekend, to get the Christmas vomitus cleaned up and put away until next year.


If you allow icicle lights to continue to drip from your gutters well into the warmth of Spring, you run the risk of being labeled by your neighbors as someone who should be living in a trailer park, if you are not already, in which case, your neighbors are probably not judging you.


If I see a plastic Frosty the Snowman or a Baby Jesus in your yard and it is February, it is highly likely that I will throw that crap into the back of my car and haul it to the dump for you.  Obviously, you do not care about it.


You loved the holidays enough to haul out boxes of twenty year old trappings from your attic, spare the rest of us from having to look at it until June.  You cannot be that lazy.


When I run for public office, I am going to introduce a law that would require actual jail time for anyone who leaves Christmas lights on their house past January 5.  I will give the Nor’easters until January 15 since they may have to do it in stages to keep from losing digits to frostbite.


When I lived three hours from the Canadian border, I did not put outdoor lights past my screened front porch.  Despite appearances, I am not stupid.


The idea behind this thought is, if you cannot handle taking it down, don’t put it up.  Doesn’t take a genius to work that one out.


These violators to my visual sensibilities can share a cell with the litterbugs I talked about in an earlier essay.  As “non-violent” offenders, I want to spare you the indignities of forced prison-love.  But be warned, your violation of my need to not look at ugly things – like your trash on the ground or a reindeer on your lawn in March – could result in additional consequences for you – if I have my way – trust me, prison time is not good for anyone who values a healthy relationship with their loved ones or personal body parts.


So, if you agree with me, then I need my usual, “amen”, and should you be a VIOLATOR, and still capable of reading this all the way to the end, reform your ways.  Be responsible.  Don’t risk going to Tacky Jail.


Can I get an Amen?


About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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