Really, REALLY bad children’s movies.

December 19, 2011

Essays for Giggles, Mom Stories

Thankfully, the movies that I am forced to take my daughter to see these days, are often more than tolerable and occasionally even downright brilliant.  “Shrek”, all of them, is still enjoyed in our household on a bi-weekly basis.  “Toy Story”, all of them, will go down in history as classics.

“Tangled” rocks.  A princess who kicks butt Fiona-style and has to repeatedly rescue her worthless boyfriend, who is a  common street-thief with the geeky name of Eugene Fitzherbert… why, it is a refreshing take on the common fairytale.  Who knew Disney had it in them?

Even the mediocre ones like “Alpha and Omega” and “How to Train your Dragon” do not cause my ears to bleed.  No, it is this new wave of animated films paired with live action, like “Yogi Bear” and “Smurfs” that should replace waterboarding as an approved CIA torture technique.  The second time around on a forced “Smurfs” viewing, and I would definitely tell you where our hideout was located.

“G-Force”, a Mission-Impossible-style tale with pet shop rodents as spies, featuring a guinea pig in the role of Tom Cruise, was pretty painful too, but it was “Chipmunks: The Squeakuel” that made me pray fervently for God to rain down upon me some sort of sharp object which I could use to stab myself in the forehead, the hope being that the blinding pain from the gaping wound in my skull would take away the worse pain of sitting through two hours of that stinking pile of poo.

Now, the third installment is out called “Chipwrecked”.  Doesn’t the title alone tell you all you need to know about the two hours and $20 bucks that you will never get back?  And even David Cross, whose bad teeth I find really distracting when they are 30 feet tall, is trash talking his own movie.  You KNOW that it has GOT to be bad.

I think the main reason that live actor/animated combos are so unbelievably horrific is that the actors are BAD to begin with and when paired with a talking bear, they get even worse.  You never really believe they are sharing the same space.  Ranger Smith ran his lines to Yogi with his eyes just to the left of where Yogi actually stood for the ENTIRE movie.   I was nearly catatonic by the end of that one.

I had instituted a policy whereby I was now boycotting these films… that is until my impressionable, innocent daughter caught wind of the new “Smurfs” movie, which I think was actually first brought to her attention through a commercial for Happy Meals.  Damn you nasty fast food meal with the most awesome toys!  So I went fully prepared to have to snap my mind into two personalities in order to survive… (I planned to leave my “special” alter-ego behind to enjoy the film) and it was pretty horrible, yet “The Squeakuel” is still the most god-awful thing yet… that is, (if the reviews are accurate), until “Chipwrecked” hit theaters last week.  At least I think so.  I am going to try really hard to never find out for sure.

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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4 Comments on “Really, REALLY bad children’s movies.”

  1. Melissa Kent Simms Says:

    Chipwrecked was much improved by a little nap.


  2. Kevin Ternes Says:

    The best reason not to have kids: They cannot see the GOOD shows.

    Harold and Kumar, Hangover: too fun;
    HIMYM: too many flashbacks and Slap Bets;
    American Pie: too much warm apple pie;
    The Matrix: too solipsistic;
    The Thing, Paranormal Activity, Ju-On: too scary;
    LotR, Predator: too violent;
    George Carlin: too true;
    Alien: too phallic;
    Starship Troopers: too much titty;
    Species: too much pussy;
    Star Trek X: too much green Romulan blood;
    Watchmen: too much giant blue penis


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