Men are Babies. Enough Said.

December 21, 2011

Essays for Giggles

Forgive me for taking on such a clichéd topic as men and their threshold for “pain.”  I know the fact that men are complete wusses when it comes to illness or discomfort of any kind is a softball subject lobbed at me in slow motion, but I have had a special request, and I thought I would see if I could bring anything new to light on the issue.

Where to begin… where to begin… OK, how about this… my husband is such a complete freaking baby that it is any wonder he is able to function at all.  He never gets sick, thankfully, but he hurts his back or is exhausted from working in the yard and the sounds he makes throughout the night are enough to drive one batshit crazy.  My sweetie is not one to suffer silently.  He moans.  He groans.  He whimpers.  He grunts.  Finally, I have to say, “Honey, I know you are tired but is verbalizing it with a caveman grunt every 2 minutes helping you?  ‘Cause it is about to cause me to leap over there and choke you into silence.”

That stops him for about 5 minutes.

By contrast, I was on my deathbed while his parents were visiting for TWO WEEKS, and they all watched me shuffle into the kitchen for days, holding onto the counter for support, while I made their dinner.  I don’t blame his parents so much.  They didn’t know what to do and now, his mom would take over for me.  As a matter of fact, now I am not stupid enough to do it… but at the time, could the man not say, “Hey babe, you look like shit… let me order a pizza”… well maybe not the “look like shit” part.

Not so long ago, I was home sick all day and when he came home, his second sentence after asking how I felt was “what are we having for dinner?”  If I’d had a machete and the strength to wield it, I would have chopped his head off that day.

I went to 10 centimeters without an epidural, in all honesty, only asking for one in the 11th hour; I was having back labor, which is a little like someone slugging you in the lower spine with a bat every 2 minutes; and after full dilation, I pushed for two hours.  TWO HOURS… a BABY… OUT OF MY VAGINA!

If any men are reading this, let me just say again, we women push tiny human beings, the size of watermelons – OUT OF OUR VAGINAS!  And for those who have had a C-section, while the birth process is quicker, I hear recovery is more painful, as abdominal surgery tends to be.

And get this, my husband screams like a girl when he gets a splinter.  And here is the surprising thing to me and I have discussed this with many women… men don’t seem to give two hoots about the fact that they act like little girls… and honestly, I think that might be offensive to little girls.

I love my husband and I (guess) I am glad that he feels so supported in our relationship that he can let his inner crybaby out but sometimes I long for a man who… well… acts like a woman… strong, nurturing, patient and not afraid of a splinter.

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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