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My hubby is on to my blog!

December 23, 2011

Essays for Giggles

Damn it.  My husband is on to me!  He has read my last two essays and has banned me from using him as source material for my blog!  Damn.  Damn.  Damn.  That is at least 60% of my reserves and I haven’t even gotten to write in detail (though I alluded to it in my hiking story) about the weapons-grade fumes he shoots out of his anus.  And I had a whole treatise on the back burner about him being a pathological neat-freak.  Women complain to me all day long about their messy husbands.  Well, let me tell you it is no picnic having your man bustle about the house like an old woman picking up after you either.  Be careful what you wish for, ladies.  That is all I can say at this time… “be careful what you wish for.”

So to soothe his hurt feelings, I told him that he could name any topic he wanted about me and I would write about myself.  So, without a moment’s hesitation, he said, “write about you forgetting my birthday.”  Ah… it still seethes just below the surface.   I KNEW he wasn’t over it.

And to be honest, I have to admit that I have forgotten his birthday, not once, but TWICE.   The first time was about 5 years ago and again just this past September.  Now, as he will tell you and I have to wholeheartedly agree, if he had forgotten MY birthday, once, much less, God Forbid, twice, I would be accusing him of having an affair and speed-dialing a divorce attorney.

So, I totally get that I suck as a wife who remembers her husband’s birthday.  And I don’t have much defense, except, unlike me, and every other normal person in the world; he never talks about his birthday in advance.  A couple weeks leading up to the big day, most people, say in casual conversation, “hey, where should we go to dinner on my birthday?” or “Want to have some people over to celebrate my birthday next week?”  At least I like to say things like this, and as a consequence, everyone within hearing distance of me knows that my birthday is around the corner.

Of course, I have always considered MY birthday something of a national holiday, the official “Holiday of Renea.”  Federal employees should get a 3 day weekend.  I don’t like anything too ostentatious but maybe a small parade… a mariachi band… a stripper dressed like a fireman… just a little something to make the day special.

The first time I forgot, we were in the middle of a 3 week trip to Europe.  Forgive me if navigating a foreign country all day made me unaware that it was September 28. And I had been on the road for two weeks, not looking at a clock, much less a calendar.

I still vividly remember coming out of the convenience store bathroom in Italy, where you have to PAY some old woman to let you in… and getting in our rental and hearing him say, “do you know today is my birthday?”  Well, if I could have felt any lower, I would have been underground, but in my genuine distress, I managed to summon up anger and blame it all on HIM!

I mean, I had been busy for the past month, doing the 5 thousand things one must do before leaving the country for nearly a month. We had a young child.  I had to make lists and pack and cancel the newspaper, and hold the mail… not to mention arrange for extended pet sitting for a half dozen animals.  How can I remember something like his BIRTHDAY if he is not even going to MENTION it until the day of…? I told him it was all his fault for not saying something before now.  I think I even cried a little to cement the guilt to him.  Classic maneuver…. Get him on the defensive so he can’t be mad at me… but seriously, I felt like crap, so as a birthday gift, I bought him a soccer shirt in the airport on the way home.  Best birthday he ever had.

You would think that I would have been so traumatized after that one, that I wouldn’t let it happen again, but 3 months ago, he called me at work, and said, “now, honey, don’t be upset, but today is my birthday.”  I could not believe it had happened again.  I thought I was being punked by Aston Kutcher.  And this time, I realized I did not have the distractions of a planning for a long trip as an excuse.

I will say that it was just weeks shy of our 10th anniversary and we were leaving our daughter for the first time, so that we could go on a short trip to New Orleans.  So, I had again been making lists, three pages for my parents alone, shopping for something new to wear, buying him an ANNIVERSARY present… so yes, I had been distracted by yet another major event hovering on the horizon.  And damn it, he never mentioned a word about his birthday until right that moment!

So that night, my daughter and I took him to a nice restaurant and money was no object.  There wasn’t a price high enough to assuage my guilt.  I also gave him this beautiful steel ring that I had actually bought for our anniversary.  See how thoughtful I am?

I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I am considering having September 28 tattooed on my forehead so I will see it every time I look in the mirror or maybe one of those Angelina Jolie prison tattoos around my bicep like she has the map coordinates of her children’s birthplaces.

I do know that I do not want to let it happen again.  Who knows what he could do with that kind of ammunition.  I will never win an argument again.  And you can see how much he has “forgotten it.”

There, honey, are you happy now?

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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