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Damn It All to Hell…

February 2, 2012

Essays for Giggles

I like to swear… damn it.  It is truly my vice, if I actually thought there was anything wrong with it… yes, it is true, I like to swear.  Like a sailor.  A sailor who has spent a LOT of time at sea.

Or a prisoner.  On death row.

And I have heard the line, “if you were an intelligent person, you would find more creative ways to express yourself.”  To that I say… Fuck You.  How is that for creative?

I recently saw Lewis Black in concert, right here in Montgomery, AL, if you can believe they let him in the state… and that man is an excellent swearer.  It has been a long time since I have heard an adult, in the company of other adults, just rain F-bombs like the Japanese at Pearl Harbor.  It was awesome.  And Lewis Black is so passionate about his swearing that he looks like he might have a stroke while doing it.

The thing I have always thought was so weird about people who get uptight about language is that swear words only have the connotation we give them.  They express dismay, anger, annoyance.  And if we find them offensive and substitute other words for them – Dang, whose freakin’ idea was it to make-up such stupid made-up words?  I mean, shoot, sugar foot, darn. – they mean the same thing don’t they?  We just substituted other words.  And isn’t the meaning the point of it all?

This is why I say shit when I mean shit.

My husband is Bosnian.  And those people are the Gold Medal Olympic Champions of swearing.  I will not even translate for you some of their standard every day cursing because I am afraid that I might get arrested for violating obscenity laws in at least a dozen states.  And this is the kind of shit they say when they can’t find a parking place.  I don’t want to know what they say when they are really mad.

And swearing is no big deal in their culture.  They all talk like this regardless of age or gender and in front of Grandma if she happens to be standing there.  And somehow, even though I know what some of it means, it is still “cute” when A is swearing in Bosnian.  He lets loose in English and I sit up and take notice.  But when he goes on a native language tangent, I just giggle at how hilarious it is.

And my father-in-law’s favorite expression is the German word for shit, which is “scheisse” and my daughter knows that word and what it means.  And for some strange reason, when she says the same word in another language, it goes from shocking to adorable.

The fact that I love to curse like a m**%*r  f%$#**r, does not mean that I do not have appropriate boundaries.  I don’t do it in front of other people’s children.  I wouldn’t swear loudly at a wedding… or a funeral… or at a nun… so have no fear… I will keep my colorful language to myself… just don’t eavesdrop.

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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14 Comments on “Damn It All to Hell…”

  1. Melissa Simms Says:

    Oh, fuck yes. Beautiful! Ever seen/heard comedian Eddie Izzard?

    Reply

  2. teachlearnlaugh Says:

    I think I learned something about myself and my elders…will need clarification later in the day.

    Reply

  3. Kevin Ternes Says:

    It is not just the words, per se, that make for good cussing. Like comedy, how they are timed and delivered is what counts. Also, correctly stringing the profane words together with less profane words along with with the correct dash of blasphemy is crucial.

    My maternal grandmother wasn’t very good at it. Probably for lack of practice. She would string just a few words together and repeat them, “Shit-fucking-shit-fucking-dumb-ass-shit-fucking-shit-fucking-…”. She didn’t do it often, though. Like I said, lack of practice.

    My paternal grandfather was the king of it, though, and he mixed it in with everything. He used “goddamned” too much but that can be excused because he was Catholic, an alcoholic and probably trying to piss off my grandmother.

    Clear memory: My grandfather working on a plumbing valve while saying, “You goddamned-mother-fucking-cunt-goddamned-ass-shit-cake-goddamned-shit-fuck-…..(ten or fifteen minutes)…goddamned-fucking-shit-goddamned-ass-cake… There. Well, that’s got it. Come on, honey. Your grandmother has got our dinner on the table by now.”

    If you are just getting started in the world of cussing, I recommend watching the first three American Pie movies. Rent the DVDs so that you can see the special features and study the Steve Stiffler character. He consistently combines a single piece of profanity with a single common word in a mastery of timing and delivery.

    For the experienced cuss, one good thing to try if you haven’t already is to take “Jesus Christ” and expand it. Start with “goddamned” and then let your freak flag fly:

    “Jesus-god-damned-ugly-fucking-piss-lapping-ass-raping-jizz-spitting-Christ.”

    Then, when you are comfortable with that change “Jesus” to “Jaysus” the way the Irish do (the Irish are great swearers) and put extra emphasis on the first syllable (i.e.; “JAY-sus”) and change Christ to two sylables doing the same (i.e.; “CHAA-Rist”), then start appending some icing for the cake:

    “JAY-sus-goddamned-mule-sucking-filthy-fucking-piss-lapping-monkey-shitting-jizz-spitting-nancy-boy-CHAA-Rist-on-a-Kike-sized-shit-stick pulling a train at a goddamned Roman orgy”.

    Notice the inclusion of a mild racial epithet. Like I said, this is for the experienced cuss only. You can also say “horse-cock-sized” if you are not comfortable with that the Kike reference and change the Roman orgy to some reference to Adolph Hitler.

    Good luck. And you didn’t hear any of this from me.

    Reply

  4. Sherry Says:

    I am with you all the way on this one………swearing is a stress releaver for me!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  5. Kevin Ternes Says:

    Perhaps this will help someone: http://laughingsquid.com/periodic-table-of-swearing/
    Interesting, there is an app for that.

    Reply

  6. Hey Jude Says:

    Yep! Yep! Yep! You will get a loud, long AMEN, Sistah, from this corner of the room. This is a vice near but not really dear to my tongue. If there were 12-Step program for Serial Cussers, I’s be on the front row at every meeting saying “Hello, my name’s Jude and I’m a cusser.”

    Of course, I’m a slouch compared to Kevin’s paternal grandpa. My claim to fame is that my kid’s first complete setence was “Aw Shit, (INSERT CHILD’S NAME HERE)!” Poor child had heard me utter those very words every time I buckled her into the bloody damn car seat. So I guess a Backslidding Baptist Southerner like myself doesn’t hold a candles just Irish Catholic Grandpa, but I can dream.

    BTW, Renea, love the blog.

    Reply

    • Hey Jude Says:

      I need to amend my last sentence so that it makes some sense. While I typed “So I guess a Backslidding Baptist Southerner like myself doesn’t hold a candles just Irish Catholic Grandpa, but I can dream.

      WhatI really meant to say is…I guess a Backslidding Southern Baptist Granny doesn’t hold a candle to Kevin’s Irish Catholic Grandpa, But there’s always tomorrow and I can dream.

      Then, too, there are still those @#&(#@& blinking car seats I still do battle with every ding dong %$#&@!* blinking day of the week. I just hope my grandkids’ first sentences don’t continue the family tradition.

      Reply

    • reneadijab Says:

      Why thank you, Miss Jude… glad you like the blog… and I love how my fellow cursing friends are coming out of the closet… and for any of my readers who do not enjoy swearing… I appreciate you too! No judgement!

      Reply

  7. Tammy Owens Says:

    Love it!!! So, fucking glad I’m not the only one!!! lol

    Reply

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