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No Judgment…

February 5, 2012

Social Commentary

Fuck it… OK, a LOT of judgment.  Before I had a child, I had many an idea on how best to raise children.  Now, I never said anything to anyone’s face (I hope) but oh, I had some comments when they were not within ear shot.

Babies, much less toddlers, sleeping in the parental bed?  Shameful…children should be independent and learn to sleep alone – as I did from day one, in a crib down the hall from my parents.

UPDATE:  My daughter slept between my husband and me until she was 5.  She only moved to a bed of her own when she was ready and it is currently in a Jack & Jill room adjoining ours.  We talk to each other from our beds in the evening like The Waltons saying “goodnight John Boy”.

Nursing past 6 months, or maybe a year… well, that was downright creepy… if a child can ASK for milk AND unbutton your blouse… it is too old to be getting that milk from BREASTS.  I had a good friend who nursed a child until they were 2 ½.  It was a wonder her ears did not burn off at the private expression of my horror.  I wasn’t being mean.  I was legitimately horrified!

UPDATE:  My daughter nursed for 2 years and 5 months.  Whew!  I wasn’t as bad as my friend by a mere 30 days!  Oh, my child could ASK for milk.  She couldn’t manipulate buttons, but she could definitely raise my shirt.  She would run around playing with other children at a play date, toddle over, lift my shirt, take a quick drink like I was a water fountain, then take off chasing the other babies again.

Yes, at this point, I was aware that my own hypocrisy was making my face burn in shame.  The only thing I can say in my defense is that all my ideas about how to raise children came from a CHILDLESS woman.  Once I had my own baby, there was such a profound difference in my outlook on life.  To this day, it is about me and her.  My instinct  is to take care of her in the best way I know how.  It is imperative to me that she feels as safe, happy and physically comfortable as I can possibly make her.

If that means I have to hang my head in shame, as I personally violate every single parenting belief that I ever held, then so be it.  I was, and still am, willing to admit that I was a fool who had NO BUSINESS judging mothers when I had never had the experience myself.

And to this day, MY defense is – if you do not have your own children – do not judge me.

Now, let me make a non-funny exception to this new-found inclusive Kumbaya spiritual acceptance of mine.  There are many variables along the lines of what is okay and what is not.  For example, if you spank – I don’t and would never – then that is not for me to judge.  If you make your child clean their plate or eat foods they don’t like – I don’t and would never – then that is not for me to judge.  If you take your children to church/ or not, if you feed them meat or go vegetarian, if you spoil them or are too strict, then that is not for me to judge… BUT if you HIT your children, slap them in the face, berate them, belittle them or abuse them, then that IS for me to judge… and perhaps report to law enforcement.

It IS my job as a fellow human being on this planet, to critique, and perhaps report, what is not within the variables of acceptable behavior.  If I can see the dollar signs of your child’s future therapy bills racking up as you growl at her, then I can judge you for that.  If I think you are a completely shitty, worthless parent, I CAN judge you for that.  I am required by the law that makes me a decent human being to judge you for that.

For example, I can judge Nadya Suleman for having 14 children.  I can also judge the doctor who implanted her with 6, then 8, embryos which became viable.  I think he lost his license.  I hope so.  And it was reported that she was single, unemployed and on public assistance at the time.  If someone knows how poor, stupid, crazy women get high-tech infertility procedures, would you please tell the rest of us?

I am too old and uninterested now, but I am sure there are tens of thousands of infertile couples out there who would like to afford the same procedures that apparently people living below the poverty line can also receive.

I can judge you if you have more children than you can care for, or can pay for (Hello!  Children are expensive) and I can most definitely judge you if you treat the children you have like shit… and keep pumping out babies like litters of kittens.

Again, risking TMI, when I was 18 years old and had a boyfriend, I went to the free clinic in town and got birth control while I was a VIRGIN.  Didn’t cost me anything and my parents didn’t know about it (I guess they do now!) because I was 18.  Right or wrong, people, it also means I did not have a baby until I WANTED to , which was at age 39 (as some readers of previous posts know)… so yea, I can judge shitty parents who over-breed, abuse, then turn them loose on the rest of us in 20 years… hello?  Sex Offender prison?  Rehab?  Foster Care, anyone?

The fact of the matter is, every little baby is born into this world, with no knowledge and no ability to fend for itself.  You can make it fragile and weak, you can make it a monster and you can make it a relatively decent human being across a large spectrum of decentness… I would like to ask that everyone shoot for somewhere on the decentness spectrum.  Thank you very much.

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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3 Comments on “No Judgment…”

  1. Sherry Says:

    Amen Sister……..we need a license to do everything but breed…..there should be a series of tests and home studies done before letting some of us breed!

    Reply

  2. Shea Says:

    I was a social worker for eleven years. I could not agree more! It was just amazing what the taxes of so many pay for for the ones who produce nothing but heart ache and have not paid a dime in income tax. I have seen people paid in cash, receive public assistance! Are you kidding me!?!! Yet, people who have worked there asses off all of their life may not be able to draw social security!?! Backwards Ass! Just sayin’!

    Reply

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