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10 Ways to Drive your Man WILD in Bed!

February 12, 2012

Essays for Giggles

If you are an old, married woman and looking for some laughs… get yourself an issue of “Cosmopolitan”.  Remember Cosmo?… the magazine, not the drink?  You know… from the 80’s… maybe 90’s?  There comes a time in your life when you leave Cosmo behind and somehow forget about it.

You get older.  Married.  Have children.  Your life becomes about “Parenting” magazine and “Good Housekeeping”.  Maybe you go all upscale with “Architectural Digest”, but at a certain point in a woman’s life, you no longer have any use for Cosmo.

Then, your husband winds up with a very small number of unused travel miles, good for nothing but redeeming for a shitty magazine selection.  So you order a few… you get some trashy ones, like “Us Weekly” and some hip ones, like “Details”, that is so freakin’ hip, you have no idea what it is about.  You use it to line the bird’s cage.

Recently, I started to get my old and forgotten dear friend, “Cosmo”.  Sadly, I find that I grew up and Cosmo didn’t.  It makes me feel old.  Cosmo is the magazine equivalent of Peter Pan.

Who knew that after all these years; there were still ten brand new ways to drive your man wild in bed?  Single Ladies:  I am going to let you in on a secret, once you get married; all you have to do is show up.  If I am still awake when my husband comes to bed, that is enough invitation for him.

And to think there are still “Twelve things he won’t tell you”… and “Nine secrets he won’t share”?  When we girls were single and dealing with a variety of men, we actually thought they were mysterious; that there were actually some intriguing personal thoughts in those heads.

Be married ten years and you realize there is really nothing that interesting in there.  Very little if anything is rattling around.  And I WISH my husband had a secret.  I know every intimate detail of his digestive system and his road rage issues.  I could actually use some mystery surrounding what he is feeling.

Then there are the articles about what that odor might mean “down there”… and this is a recent issue, are women in 2012 still referring to “it” as “down there”?

And all this talk about “naughty moves” and “tricks experts swear by”… it actually makes me nostalgic for the days when I thought a magazine tag line actually had an answer that I could use in my interpersonal relationships.

It also makes me want to sit today’s young women down and say, “look, this is bullshit… unless you are a Quaker, there are no sexual moves you don’t know about.  If you breathe and are willing to get naked… that drives a man ‘wild’…. ‘down there’ is called your vagina… maybe vulva… for the love of all that is holy, please see your doctor for any weird odor issues.”

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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3 Comments on “10 Ways to Drive your Man WILD in Bed!”

  1. Kevin Ternes Says:

    I am disappointed. When I read the title, I was expecting to find some tips that I could use to drive Keith wild in bed. Sigh.

    Reply

    • reneadijab Says:

      I knew that title would drive in some unsuspecting folks looking to entice Keith!

      Reply

      • Kevin Ternes Says:

        Things between me and Keith have just not the same since Craig has been gone. There is something about a ménage à trois that spices things up in a way that nothing else can.

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