Chuck E. Cheese’s: The most Hellish Place on Earth.

Chuck E. Cheese’s:  The place where a kid can be a kid and a grown-up can stare blankly into the abyss praying for death.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of this particular little trip into Hell, let me just say:  “I envy you.”

Whenever I have to take my daughter to CEC, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach, and my mood deflates.  I start shuffling forward slowly, with my head down, like a parolee being taken back to jail.

There are so many terrible things about Chuckee’s that it is hard to know where to start.

First of all, there is Chuckee himself, a demonic over-size rat that looks like the monster that might actually live in your closet.  They don’t call that killer doll in the movies “Chuckie” for nothing.  He is silent.  And leering.  And frightens small children.

Then, of course, there is what I am going to loosely call “food”.  I mean, no one actually goes there with the intent of a meal being their primary purpose, but families do eat there.  And I mean families.  I don’t think you are even allowed in the place without a child in tow, because that would absolutely confirm that you were a creepy, serial killing pedophile.

Pizza is my favorite food and Chuckee’s has absolutely the WORST pizza ever served in an actual restaurant.  There is a mediocre salad bar.  The sub sandwiches aren’t bad, just sparse on the fillings, except that we ordered them once and it took an hour and a half of mind-blowing torturous time to get them.

Then, of course, there is the true lure of the place, which are these crappy, third-rate, broken down video games that are really early training for your child’s gambling addiction.  “One more time, Mom”… “one more time”… the mantra of every addict.

While they are frantically shoving tokens into a child’s version of the one-armed bandit with a wild look in their eye, you can use the giant plastic hammer at the wack-a-mole game to beat yourself in the head with.

The head injuries you experience from your self-inflicted beating will keep you from realizing the prison love you are experiencing, not only in the exorbitant cost of nasty food, but the rate of exchange on your games vs. prizes.

A token is 25 cents.  The average ticket pay-out is 3.  Tickets are worth one penny each.  THEN, with the genius exchange rate you’ve got going, you get the privilege of spending say, 50 tickets (seems like a lot doesn’t it?), but is worth FIFTY CENTS, on approximately 8 cents worth of plastic crap from Oriental Trading.

Now to get that FIFTY CENTS worth of tickets to buy the plastic spider ring that will permanently live in the floorboard of your car before you even get home, you spent approximately FIVE DOLLARS in tokens.  Is your ass hurting yet?

Well, gotta go.  I am off to take my daughter to Chuck E. Cheese’s.  Maybe I will bring my own hammer.

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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2 Comments on “Chuck E. Cheese’s: The most Hellish Place on Earth.”

  1. Rachel Says:

    You ACTUALLY go to the Chuck E. Cheese in Montgomery???? Are you trying to get yourself killed…or start a turf war….or both??? And not to mention food poisoning!!! I’ll be praying for you.


    • reneadijab Says:

      I am not HAPPY about its location but it is the only one here! And I have no choice. And though I hate to say something good about the place, the employees there ARE very nice. And for ME to say something nice about retail employees, that is saying something!


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