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Can I please have my bed back now?

After weathering the twin tsunamis of weaning and potty training, the two most anxiety producing events in a new mom’s life, my husband and I decided that after 5 YEARS, we might like to sleep next to each other in the bed again.

Not only did “Our Precious” sleep between us, but due to her overwhelming need to be close to me and my “Nips” (weaned or not), she literally slept ON MY HEAD.

We started out the night with one tiny arm over my neck and one tiny leg thrown over my waist in a human impression of “tiny baby monkey clings to Momma monkey”; oh so cute in the wild, not so cute in our Queen size bed.

I hate to re-visit a sore subject – but way back before I had a child, when I was a judgmental bitch, I said things like, “babies are supposed to sleep in their own beds”, “it is not healthy for a child or a marriage for the baby to sleep with the parents.”  What did I know?

First of all, for the “cry-it-out” folks –  no judgment – but studies show that orphaned infants also stop crying in the night too, BECAUSE THEY LEARN THAT NO ONE IS COMING.

I did not want my baby to stop needing my comfort because she no longer trusted that I would be there.  If I wanted to let her cry for me and refuse to go to her, then I would/ should have never had a baby in the first place.  Just sayin’.  My way.  May not be yours.

And remember, this is just my opinion, and since I am no longer being judgmental, please do not take that as a criticism and/or ringing endorsement of anything that you have personally done/ not done.

(Dear Karma:  Please do not smite me for these words.)

For those who worry about the quality of a Family Bed family’s “marital relations”, let me just say that for 5 years, my husband and I made whoopie in every part of the house BUT the bed.  We would get Lina to sleep, then sneak OUT of bed to the guest room, hallway, kitchen… whatever suited our fancy at the moment.

When she FINALLY moved to her own room, we found it kind of exotic to be intimate in our own bed.  “Wow,” we thought, “this is STRANGE”; “People DO this?” – “In a BED”?

And listen, just like breast feeding a toddler, and changing the diapers of a child old enough to dress herself, this wasn’t really my PLAN.  It was more like KARMA for having an “opinion” – no judgment – about how people should raise their children, when I myself was childless.

Here is my new rule:  people without children should SHUT UP about those of us who do.  Right or wrong, we are doing the best we can.

And remember the number one law of Karma:  Your “opinion” will come home to bite you in the ass.  So if you run your mouth, wear some thick pants.

My husband didn’t sleep well all those years.  Neither did I, but as a stay-at-home Mom, I had less reason to complain.  My daughter and I were hedonistic about sleeping in late.  For the first three years at least, we were like hippies living in a commune.  We ate and slept whenever we felt like it.  Grab a snack.  Go back to bed.

Then, we moved to a new state when she was 5-years-old, and we thought this would be the perfect time to introduce the concept of her “Own Big Girl Room”!  So, like the elaborate Big Girl Party for weaning, and rewards, toys, gifts, candy, bribes and Doll House for learning not to poop in her pants, she was shown a picture of a FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR, toddler-height loft bed, with canvas panels and a turret that made it look like a castle with stairs and a SLIDE… are you kidding me?  I want this bed!  (The picture accompanying this article is the manufacture’s picture of the identical bed that we purchased).

How is that for a flippin’ carrot?

I was well aware that as a child, I was bottle fed, slept in a crib in a room down the hall from my parents, and while I don’t remember potty training, I know I wasn’t almost 4 either.  So I somehow managed to achieve all these milestones without robbing the parental bank.

Yet my child, through no guile of her own, had managed to have the Midas touch for growing up.

To get her reward, she was required to sleep in her old bed for a week before I ordered the new one.  I would have been furious to have spent that kind of money on a bed to still have her sleeping on my head.  Had that been the case, I swear, she would not have been let near the slide.  No way was she going to get an indoor play gym and still choke me to death in my sleep.

While we were house shopping for her “new room”, she was actively involved in the house hunt.  We turned down many a house due to the lay-out of the rooms.  Her bedroom could not be on the opposite side of the house from ours.  If we had any hope of ever sleeping alone as a married couple again, her bedroom could not be miles away from ours during the initial trial phase.

We finally found a lovely home with an adjoining bath between her room and ours.  The door is left open between and I can talk to her from our bed at night.  Essentially it is the same room with a short passageway between.  We go back and forth saying “goodnight” and “I love you” like The Waltons, until she falls asleep.  ‘Night John Boy.

I hear Moms mourn the passage of an era; how their babies are growing up.  I am in no rush – OBVIOUSLY – but I tend to celebrate each milestone and am thankful we have moved on – I think because we don’t take them lightly at our house.

My daughter does not go springing into her future, bold and curious, but holding my hand and treading lightly.  Since my goal in life is for her to never, ever be unhappy… ever, even for a single moment, I have indulged her needs for comfort and security.

I am happy with my choices and enormously proud of the lovely child that I brought into this world, yet at the same time, I am happy to have my bed and my boobs back to myself.  And if I never see a diaper again, it will be too soon.  As an older mom, I was a little afraid that I might be in a diaper before she got OUT of one.  Happy Days are Here Again!

Wait, my 7-year-old just asked me when she would be old enough to kiss boys.  Holy Crap.

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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