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Duck Gang Bang

April 27, 2012

Essays for Giggles

Today, I watched a perfectly respectable lady duck being gang raped by a bunch of rowdy boy ducks.  I first noticed the increasingly angry, “get away from me” quacks, followed by lustful, “but I love you, Mon Cherie!” noises, and then saw the poor girl racing for her life, followed by a couple of randy fellows.

They fell upon her, and as they pinned her down, biting her, in what I hope was considered appropriate sexual foreplay for ducks, another four or five males in the vicinity waddled over and piled on.

I was at once fascinated and horrified.  They were only five feet away from me.  I could have rescued her and almost did, but then I realized this is how we get baby ducks!  And baby ducks are so cute.  I called my 7-year-old daughter to watch… “Look they are mating”… and she said, “Like getting married to have babies?”… uh, yeah…. Like a polygamous marriage in Utah.

My daughter asked me, “would you have boys like that or would you fight them off and wait for a man who had some respect for a woman?”  What a thoughtful and mature question from my big girl!  I assured her that I would kick some webbed-feet ASS.

This display of raw nature caused me to ponder once again, the hardship of being a woman.

One day, my child and I were enjoying the viewing of some warthogs at a zoo – with faces only their mothers could love – and the poor mama hog was listing sideways in exhaustion on four skinny legs, while babies pulled at her teats… and daddy hog lay snoozing on his fat side, snoring in a mud puddle.  Such is the life of the mama.

I once saw a sign in a bar bathroom that said, “Never trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn’t die.”  I totally agree.  It is best to give us a wide berth whether it is that “time of the month” or just because we’re pissed.  As I have to repeatedly remind my husband, you might win the battle but you will never win the war.  Shut up, apologize and cut your losses.  Save yourself.  You might have sex this month if you’re lucky.

I once thought how awesome I was to marry a man who didn’t watch sports.  Then, we got the soccer channel.  Literally EVERY DAY, I am given the update on what time “his” game is.  He acts like it is his part-time job.  Meanwhile, I have homework, bath and bed time stories, all while listening to him screaming swear words in Bosnian like his ass is on fire.  I told him that if he had another loud, random outburst while I was walking through the room, thereby giving me a heart attack, he would come home to find we were no longer being charged for his beloved soccer channel on the cable bill.

Apparently, because Eve took a bite of the damned apple, I am doomed to a life of lettuce and Pilates classes in a failed attempt to remain pleasingly plump – skinny is not even on my radar – I just struggle to stay away from clinical obesity, while he eats like a lumberjack.

And they have the nerve to complain.  Ever.  About anything.  Really, dudes… “Happy wife Happy life” is a well-known fortune cookie proverb for a reason.  I don’t want to harp on this, but I pushed a human life form out of my vagina.  I had a half-grown child gnawing on my tits for over two years.  This very minute my sweet girl is sitting in my lap watching “Diary of a Wimpy Kid”, while my dear hubby reads his sci-fi geek-of-the-week book.

I think at this point, I should just be grateful I am not a duck.

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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One Comment on “Duck Gang Bang”

  1. tammyoberhausen Says:

    This may be your funniest post yet. It’s funny ’cause it’s true.

    Reply

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