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Sitters vs Squatters… the Revolution is ON.

If you are a Squatter – meaning one who hovers with their bottom above the toilet like an alien aircraft, spraying urine all over the lid, then leaving the bathroom with their DNA splattered all over the place like a male dog – this story is for you.

We, the Sitters of the world, are coming after you.  We are officially declaring war on Squatters.

I often wondered what they looked like.  These arrogant bitches who think their hiney is too delicate to touch a seat other bums have been on, but yet, think I enjoy a surprise sit-down in their piss.  Really?

The arrogance of this is astounding.  These are probably the same people who do not pick up their dog’s shit.  Which is my next crusade, by the way.

One day I caught one.  It was in a Target bathroom and I happened to be entering a stall that the lady was just exiting.  While she was washing her hands, I was in the cubicle using a scrap of toilet paper to clean her urine off the seat.  Am I her maid?  Is there a reason that I am doing this?

I stared out at her.  She looked normal.  Yet, something must be very wrong with her.

I did not confront her because then I would be embarrassed, which is stupid.  But I make myself this promise now, and ask you, my fellow Sitters to join me:  The next time we catch one of them, we confront them.

You can be nice:  “Excuse me ma’am, I am not sure if you realize that your phobic reaction to public toilets has caused you to spray urine all over the stall like a cat in heat, but I would appreciate it if you would take a moment to clean up after yourself in consideration of the next user.”  Then quietly hold out a few squares of toilet paper.

Or you can be a bitch (depending on what they look like and the possibilities of it getting physical):  “Do I look like I want to sit in your piss?  Do you charge for your Golden Showers or is this a freebie?  Next time, clean up after your sorry ass.”

You could invest a few dollars in the revolution and go all non-confrontational:  have some cards made up that you can quietly had to the accused – a business card size format – that says something like “Hey, do I look like I want to sit in your piss?  Clean up after yourself, you old cow.”

You could make some pre-printed post-its that you leave behind in every stall that says: “Don’t be a “B”, clean up your “P”.  Just pop one on the back of the door every time you relieve your own bladder.

I think if we can catch them – and shame them – that we can win this war on public health.  It’s worth a try, right?

While I am on the subject of stupid bathroom behavior – every bathroom in the entire country has a hand written sign that says something to the effect of “Please do not flush sanitary napkins, tampons or paper towels down the toilet.”  I have seen many variations on this sign, but my question remains the same:  who are the morons on this earth who don’t KNOW this already?  I mean, how do you get to an age that you are old enough to go to the toilet by yourself and not know this information?  And if you do, how have you ever had working plumbing in the home you grew up in?  Or the home you live in now?  I mean, I know the world is full of some very stupid people, but this just seems to be too much ignorance for one species.

Back to the Squatters:  You are on notice.  Repent now or we will find you.

Sitters:  Who’s with me?

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

View all posts by reneadijab

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