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Top 5 Reasons I am glad I am not a Man.

September 14, 2012

Essays for Giggles

I recently wrote an essay on the Top Ten worst things about being a woman.   I concluded that story by saying that no matter how many trials and tribulations I have as a woman, I wouldn’t want to be a man.

Here are the Top Five Reasons Why:

1. Hair – everywhere except where it should be – on top of the head.  My husband has a salad-plate sized bald spot, yet below the waist, he looks like a chimpanzee.  If he could transfer some of the hair from his ass to his head, he would have an afro.  No kidding.  And yes, I shave my legs and under my arms, but I don’t have to shave my face, ears and NOSE.  Anyone who doesn’t believe in evolution is an idiot.  Just take a look at the man standing nearest you… or look down at yourself, if you are a man.  I swear to you, my husband could fall into the monkey exhibit at the Montgomery Zoo, and live there peacefully among his relatives until humans came to rescue him.

2. Going Bald – this is a companion reason to #1.  By the age of 60, 75% of men are bald or balding.  My husband had an obvious moon-shaped bald spot when I met him in his early thirties.  Can you imagine if that happened to us women?  Marching in support of breast cancer research would pale in comparison to what we would do if we were routinely losing our hair.  Yes, I know some women have thinning hair, especially with age or because of medical treatments, and some men manage to die with a head full of lusty locks, but really, if we went bald at the rate men do, we would simultaneously lose our minds.

3. Spitting – what the hell is that all about?  I can be walking along any given sidewalk, minding my own business, not disgusting a stranger with my very presence – I hope – and BOOM – out comes a big ole glob of mucous…. Shooting across my pathway, by some stranger who felt the need to hawk one up, regardless of who was within hitting distance.  I mean really?  Can you imagine a woman doing that, especially in the presence of a man, even a stranger who she expects to never see again?  Chances are she isn’t going to be comfortable just casually projectile vomiting some genetic material out of her body like the little girl in The Exorcist.

4. Farting –  Oh wow… what to say about this?  My husband, I kid you not, did not pass gas the entire three years we were dating/engaged/living together.  We have been married almost 11 years now, and rarely a day goes by that I don’t have to don my souvenir WW II gas mask to survive the evening.  He eats exactly the same thing that I eat for dinner, yet at bedtime, his digestive process can actually levitate him off the bed.  And the smell… true story… five years ago, when our daughter was three years old, both of us had to use the bathroom while in a furniture store in upstate New York.  I knew that my situation was not quite as urgent as his, but when the Ladies Room became available first, he offered to hold our daughter while I went first.  I thought he meant he was forgoing his own need until I returned.  Two minutes later, I come out to find that my husband and daughter have disappeared.  Oh no… five minutes later, just as I was about to panic, out comes my husband from the Men’s Room, with our child thrown over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes… and I looked at her… her hand was over her mouth – and TEARS were streaming down her cheeks as she sobbed out to me, “Daddy stinks”.  When it is potent enough to make your little girl cry, that is the time to ask yourself if you need to put some kind of a cork in it.

5. Penis Envy – NOT.  Oh, dear, sweet, naive Freud…  I have a minor degree in psychology.  Even as a young woman in the 80’s, I knew Freud was full of egotistical shit.  The only woman with penis envy is courting a sex change.  No woman, who doesn’t already think of herself as a man, wants a penis hanging off her body like some abnormal growth with a mind of its own.  Think about it – the most awesome thing about a women’s sexuality, is that you don’t know her sexual interest unless she tells you.  The stress of having a flag at half-mast would drive me crazy, not to mention the full-on “pressure” of a slow dance… who would want their sexual organs acting of their own free-will AND hanging outside the body at the same time for the entire world to see?  No one, that’s who.

Can any women out there think of other reasons?  How do you think I did summing them up?

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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2 Comments on “Top 5 Reasons I am glad I am not a Man.”

  1. Cindy Says:

    Thanks for the laughs, Renea! Here’s another reason I’m glad I’m not a man: Men are emotionally stunted. There’s nothing I enjoy more than sitting around with my girlfriends and “chewing the fat”. No need to mention sports, no need to slap one another around, and – here’s the biggest one of all – no need for a TV!!!

    Reply

    • reneadijab Says:

      So true, Cindy. How I do miss my New York Friday therapy group. It is on the back burner for a blog post. Women can be vicious in a way that men can not begin to imagine, but the “right” group of women can be your lifeline from the brink of in sanity!

      Reply

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