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“Hey… can you help me with this thing in my ass?”

October 18, 2012

Essays for Giggles

In case you’ve never heard of “Butt Chugging”, allow me to school you on the subject.  The definition according to Urban Dictionary is:(A) The act of ingesting alcohol through ones rectum. The idea is to increase the alcohol’s effect and the speed with which one becomes intoxicated.
(B) Having an intoxicant enema, the main purpose of which is to bypass the vomiting reflex, though it also causes the active ingredients to be absorbed faster, for more fun and greater tissue damage.

OH. MY. GOD.   Yes, I just shouted that.  Are people INSANE?  Yes, I shouted that too.

I know I done been out o’college a LONG time for some shit like this to come about.

It was recently reported in the news that a frat boy was taken to the hospital with nearly fatal levels of alcohol poisoning.  Upon examination, doctors found there was significant tissue damage to his rectum, leading them to believe that perhaps he had been sexually assaulted.  But, no, it was worse than that; according to the friend who brought him to the hospital, he had been Butt Chugging.  The name alone just screams good times, doesn’t it?

I can’t believe I’ve gotten so old that I have to say this, “But what the hell is wrong with young people today?”  I think back to fraternity parties back in the day, and I just can’t envision how this goes down.  Assuming this is not a fraternity for the explicit purpose of gathering homosexuals together to explore different objects they can put in their ASS, how does the party go?

“Hey – duuude, waz up?  Wanna go down to the basement and get our butt chugging on?”  Hopefully there are no women at this party and if there are, would someone please tell these idiots that this is the least likely way to ever get laid by a girl in the entire world.

Now, with all due respect to my gay friends, and homosexuals everywhere, I am in no way suggesting that it is inherently “gay” to butt chug.  I am just thinking that the very idea of sticking something in one’s anus at a party might be a conversation most easily discussed in the homosexual community.  I don’t imagine many gay men want to go to a cocktail meet & greet and have to shove their wine glass up their butt either.

But here we are, down in the basement, and I am envisioning some moron with his pants around his ankles, bent over the pool table, while his brothers stick a tube up his ass.  At least it’s good practice for what’s going to happen to you in jail, which one does not find entirely unlikely when faced with a mountain of stupidity this large.

Minutes later, everyone is so wasted they are in a blackout, their asses are on fire, there are no girls in sight… wow!  Sounds like a fun fraternity!  Can I join? If you’re ever in this situation and feel that you’re being peer-pressured into doing such a ridiculous, and dare I say, humiliating thing, just tell your friends that your hemorrhoids are acting up and you’ll sit this one out.

I mean can young people today just not chug it fast enough using their throat?  Has a beer bong become obsolete?  Modern day college students are just sitting around saying, “You know what?  I wish we could get drunk faster!  I know! How about we drink through our asses!”

When I read the online reports of  Mr. Butt Chugger, who claims this is not true by the way, his explanation for near fatal drinking is something called “Tour de Franzia”.  While nothing is more grotesque than Butt Chugging, a race to finish a box of cheap wine, cleverly named after a famous bicycle marathon, is almost as pathetic, but since it is so much less invasive on the body’s orifices, I am going to say, all in all, that one is rather clever.

I am sure the Franzia people can work this up into a profitable ad campaign.  Chugging wine through your ass is one thing, but for the love of God people, Franzia?  I guess the “taste” of fine wine is a moot point since you don’t have taste buds in your ass.

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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4 Comments on ““Hey… can you help me with this thing in my ass?””

  1. Kevin Ternes Says:

    Back in school I dated a girl who was into wine enemas. She had rubber sheets.

    Reply

  2. kdkh Says:

    Thanks for the …er…educational post. I guess it’s been too long since I was in college too. Never heard of this, and I think I would have been fine not reading this post….!

    Reply

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