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Marry for Services

January 11, 2013

Essays for Giggles

I’m not suggesting you marry for money, but for services and there is a difference.

I’m also not presuming you as a “lady” are not capable of earning the salary and the advanced degrees yourself, but if you are not inclined to be a doctor or lawyer, there are some good reasons to marry one profession over the other and I’ll tell you why.

First, we’ll start with the “Big Two” –  Doctors and Lawyers.  Who doesn’t want free medical or legal advice?  You know, those times when you are sure your employer is skirting the law, but your job is threatened, so you stand down?  How fun would a letter to said employer on an attorney’s letterhead be?  Now imagine that letter was FREE!

Or you know you need an antibiotic, but your health insurance sucks and you don’t want to spend half a day at the walk-in clinic.  How handy would it be to have a prescription pad right there in your kitchen?  Hubby could write a little something up for you before heading off for hospital rounds.  Hell, he could call it in to your local pharmacy and save a piece of paper.

A word of caution for aspiring doctor’s wives, you want to be the second one… ‘cause there WILL be a second one… (my apologies to all first wives of doctors out there), but go ahead and get that nursing degree or a job as a pharmaceutical rep and break up that marriage!  You gotta do what’s right for you, girl!  The good news is he will be so financially damaged by the first divorce, that you, as the second wife, have a better chance of lasting.  Plus, you’ll be 10 -20 years younger, so he’ll be dead before you start to look like her.

Now of course medicine and the law are very specialized.  If you’re married to an estate lawyer and want to sue the manufacturer of an electric blanket (Sunbeam) that left you scarred by a hideous burn caused by one of the coils while you slept (true story), well at least Tax Law Hubby can call in a chit from a friend.

And if you’re married to an oncologist (you never want to need his professional services), he can chat up the pediatrician on-call at the hospital.  And of course, that prescription writing ability stands across all specialties.

I think if I were married to a doctor, I would choose a plastic surgeon.  Can I get an amen, ladies?  Botox?  Boob job?  Lipo? Tummy Tuck?  All free.  You see what I mean?  It’s not the salary, but the services you’re aiming for.

Your “best choice” depends on you and the services you value.  For example, legally blind?  An optometrist is the specialty for you.

Do you love animals?  Marry a veterinarian.  Free annual shots and dental cleanings can save you a fortune!

Have crooked teeth?  Marry a dentist.  Better yet, marry an orthodontist, especially if you plan to have children.  Braces are a money pit.

Now, those are pretty obvious choices, women have been aspiring to marry doctors and other “professionals” since the dawn of certification and accreditation, but there is value in many other specialties.

A few of my favorites – Like to travel?  Airline Pilot.  This is an oft over-looked yet highly valuable service to be able to provide.  Pilot’s families travel practically for free.  And it is not the being there that is expensive but the getting there.  It’s not cheap by any means, but a day in Paris doesn’t cost any more than a day in New York City, it just costs you a thousand more dollars to get there.

I find myself envying the photos of jet-setting celebs and then wonder to myself why?  I’ve been to a dozen countries.  I’ve been to Paris, London, Rome, Madrid… I’ve been to Venice (twice)… in some cases I’ve been in the very spot the rich and famous actor’s photo was snapped… then I realize, it is because I get to do it every 2 or 3 YEARS, after many months of saving to pay for it.   I see photos of famous people in Paris on Monday, LA on Wednesday and London for the weekend.  Yes, being married to a pilot (as Martha Stewart would say) would be a very good thing.

And highly educated trained professionals are not the only spouse to aspire to… there are many “working-man” services that I would kill for.

Mechanic.  Enough said.  There is no telling how many thousands of dollars we have all had stolen from us by unscrupulous mechanics.  Everyone has a horror story.  How fantastic would it be for hubby to be able to replace brake pads and that broken hose – all while buying parts at cost?

I’ll lump the next ones together in what I call “The Trades”: Plumber, Electrician, Carpenter.  Even my guy can change a light fixture or the floating-bulb-thing in the toilet tank, but I am talking about real skills.  Who wouldn’t love to be able to gut the kitchen or bathroom and have it re-wired and re-plumbed for the cost of materials?  Why… you would feel like you were on an episode of “Designed to Sell” on HGTV.

Got a professional handyman husband?  Go ahead and bump up that attic roof and create a spacious mother-in-law suite or perhaps a spa-like retreat just for you.  You deserve it because you were smart enough to marry a man “in-the-trades.”  And yeah, they’re dirtier than a lawyer (physically), but they can make some good bank.

Speaking of spa-like retreat, my next two can provide similar relief but are much different in education and scope.  Yes, I’m talking about every woman’s dream; a professional Massage Therapist or you can take that up a notch and shoot for a Chiropractor.

If I ever attain Oprah-like wealth (fat chance since I don’t play the lottery), I would have living in my home, a person to wash my hair with a thorough scalp massage daily, a chef, a personal trainer, a housekeeper, a chauffeur, and a masseuse.

Imagine daily deep relaxation massages.  Are you imagining it?  Go ahead and throw in there some aromatherapy.  Oh yeah.  That’s nice.

And chiropractic care on a regular basis is something that I would die for.  I have had it on a semi-regular basis in the past, and I’ve never felt better in my life.  A weekly adjustment?  Well, a girl can dream, can’t she?

Another one that does not readily come to mind is a dry cleaner.  Do you know how expensive dry-cleaning is?  Especially for a woman’s clothes?  How awesome would it be to send off your dry-cleaning bag with hubby every week?

Now, we could at some point in our lives use the services of all of these professionals, but unless you are in an alternate, upside-down bizarro world version of the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints where women get to marry as many men as they want to (you know, ‘cause God told them to), then you aren’t getting them all are you?

I would like to suggest that you share your marital service goals with your sister or sisters, if you have them.  Even a really, really good friend or first cousin could work.  You team up and decide your top choices, then you marry a pediatrician; she’ll marry a veterinarian and boom!  There you go!  Free children and pet health services for life!

I’m curious, what services have I not thought of that you would marry (or perhaps did)?

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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