Asshat of the Week – March 1st, 2013

March 1, 2013

Asshat of the Week

I grew up in the heyday of powerful, influential, ubiquitous televangelists.  Mid- 1970’s – I’m talking the big boys – Jerry Falwell, Jim Bakker, Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swaggart… I was 10-years-old in 1975 and I don’t remember a time in which I visited my great-grandmother that one of the T.V. preachers wasn’t on… and those were innocent times, at least for me.   First of all, I was 10.  Second, we didn’t have 24-hour-cable news, which in my humble opinion, regardless of your poison – CNN, FOX etc – has been the ruination of public discourse and meaningful government in this country.

I’ve never “gotten” Catholicism, the semi-deification of mere mortals, but those T.V. preachers were kind of like my Pope.  I considered them not only good people, but wise authorities on the subject of my soul.  Please remember that I was a child, however, back in the day, these men were rock stars.

And I remember when the first one fell, and thus began my long, slow decline into abject cynicism of self-professed evangelicals.  It was Jim Bakker.  And it was a SCANDAL.  Today, we nod our heads wisely with a “so what did you expect” expression, but back then?  It was a scandal, I tell you.  People were shocked.  Remember shock?  And shame?  Long, long ago boys and girls, there used to be such emotions.  Now it is mostly feigned outrage coupled with a pseudo-persecution complex, but no one is hunting you, or trying to enslave you, or trying to take away your guns.  I promise.

Jim Bakker, stole people’s money, and had a gold toilet seat.  Oh, and he also had sexual relations with a church secretary, Jessica Hahn, who claimed it was rape.  Far be it from me to blame the victim. Seriously, I am not that kind of woman, but her claims of rape were seriously diminished, in my opinion, when she used the notoriety to start a rather smutty acting career, best illustrated by her writhing on the floor dressed like a prostitute in Sam Kinnison’s music video, “Wild Thing.”  I tell you, I am a Puritan at heart.  People just don’t believe me.

And as if my soul wasn’t rocked to the core on that one, it took another hit, when a couple of years later Jimmy Swaggart wept like a water fountain on national television confessing that he had sinned, by repeatedly paying a prostitute to strip in front of him.  Both of them (him and the prostitute) said actual intercourse wasn’t involved.  He asked God, and his followers who gave him money, to forgive him.  The forgiveness covenant of Christianity is a convenient thing.  I am not a religious scholar, but what little I know about the other major world religions; you don’t get such an easy pass on your sin.  As I like to say to an apology, “You’re not sorry, or you wouldn’t have done it.”   Ever heard the expression that it’s better to ask for an apology later than ask permission in advance?  Welcome to the ultimate Christian “Get out of jail free card.”

So, three years later, Swaggart, was busted with another prostitute and at that time, said God told him that it was nobody else’s business.  How convenient that since his earlier weeping demonstration, God was now giving him some privacy.  By the way, both Swaggart and Bakker (after serving a 5 year prison sentence), still have a faithful flock and make their living preaching to their minions.

At a very tender young age, I started to notice a pattern.  It wasn’t about religion per se, but the more sexually repressed you were, dare I say, homophobic, the more likely you were a freak between the sheets yourself.  People hate in others what they are afraid of in themselves.  The more preoccupied with other people’s “sexual sins”, the clearer it was that you were actually trying to eradicate your own demons.  I got this.  I was 12-years-old.

And the irony is – that as long as you weren’t violating the trust of another human being that you had pledged fidelity to – as these men in fact did to their wives, then it wasn’t really a sin.  If you felt it was okay to admire a woman’s – or man’s body – to crave sexual intimacy with different partners, well, as long as it was consensual activity with an adult, and you weren’t committing adultery, then it was okay.  These crazy religious people are torturing themselves for nothing in my opinion.

So fast forward to another stellar role model, Ted Haggard in 2006, and at this point, we barely have the energy to shrug, don’t we?  This married man, for whom homosexuality was a mortal sin, – note to self: sexual activity between consenting, like-minded adults is a biological imperative and does not fall into the category of sin.  As a matter of fact, God made you gay Ted… go ahead and do a dude… just don’t marry a woman, commit adultery, demonize homosexuality and be a fucking epic hypocrite.

I’ve said since my teens, the thing God hates most is a hypocrite.  I gave God credit for respecting our opinions, even if he didn’t like them.  ‘Cause you know… He gave us free will and all.

So all this rambling is to illustrate my thesis that Christian Evangelicals are some seriously messed up people when it comes to sex.  I don’t trust them.  They cheat on their spouses, label gays as demons while engaging in homosexual relationships themselves – a sure reason for going to Hell if I’ve ever heard one, have sex with prostitutes,  and rape women and children.  The entire Catholic Church is racked with both outright evidence and guarded suspicions that they are a factory to breed and protect pedophiles.  Now THAT is a sin… remember, I said, “consenting adults”, people.

And this extends to animals.  Yes, I said animals.  An animal cannot give its verbal consent or otherwise indicate sexual interest in a human being, no matter how cute you are.  An animal’s nether regions are only to be violated by an animal of the same species.

This all brings me to the new Geico commercials featuring a talking pig.  I know it’s been a long time coming folks, but bear with me.

You can see the commercial here:

Why a pig you ask?  I don’t know, but one of the commercials features a female human in a convertible at a Lover’s Lane-type location sort of suggesting she and the pig get to know each other better (if you know what I mean, wink, wink), but Piggy is too involved in the Geico App on his phone to pay attention to her.

Now I’ve seen the commercials and they’re pretty stupid, but they are also attention-getting, which is the point of advertising.  They remind me of this 20-year-old Hardees commercial in which a Golden Retriever dog and a mailman (love/hate, get it?) run toward each other in slow motion, across a field, in a romantic “Marsha… John, Marsha… John” type vignette… and I remember thinking, somewhere in New York City is a human being who makes a living coming up with this ignorant shit… but I guess it was memorable.  Here I am talking about it two decades later.  Though I wouldn’t eat at Hardees if the food was free so that belies the point of advertising.  A loving romantic partnership between dog and postman does not make me want to eat shitty food.

So what is the point of my Asshat of the Week column, you ask, as I have been all over the map talking about evangelicals and commercials featuring anthropomorphic animals?

There is some wacko group out there called “One Million Moms” billed as a conservative, Christian movement whose stated goal is to stop the media’s exploitation of children, which is a topic that I can totally get behind.  I agree!  I don’t want media and entertainment exploiting children! I have one.  I am a One Million Mom.

However, their “beef” (ha ha) with Geico is that they claim the commercial “promotes and encourages” bestiality.  And it is not the first time!  Their previous – animated, non-real, “animal” spokesperson, the Gecko, was featured in commercials with a flirtatious bridesmaid.  According to One Million Moms, this shows a pattern of the company Geico, promoting bestiality, while simultaneously trying to sell insurance.  ‘Cause you know, they want to encourage as many people as possible to fuck animals.  And buy insurance.

God knows what these cray crays think the Aflac Duck is doing.

So this all goes back to what the hell is wrong with these sick fucks in the evangelical, conservative movement?  I mean really, who thinks this sick shit up?

I am pretty raunchy, bawdy and forward in my world view, but never in my wildest dreams would I ever imagine that an animated representation of an animal situated in a human environment – (Hello? Anyone ever seen a children’s film?  Or read a children’s book?)  – and interacting with a live actor in a humanoid way was promoting bestiality.  I mean actually promoting it.  I know this falls into the category of you can’t make this shit up, so feel free to Google it.  This has been reported by major media sources and I’ve seen no press release from One Million Moms denying it.

I mean really, if you consider yourself a member of a Christian Evangelical movement and you are NOT a sexual deviant or sexual predator of some sort, then please, consider identifying yourself with some other more mainstream religion.  ‘Cause seriously, these people worry me.  Based on my theory regarding homophobes, I am now thinking at least a few of these Million Moms fantasize about getting it on with a Clydesdale.  And I have seen those monsters up close and personal; a Clydesdale’s penis is an impressive thing.  And maybe they don’t know there are fetish films for that sort of thing, but again, I feel sorry for the horse.  Or the pig.  Or the gecko.  That just isn’t right.

So, seriously, One Million Moms, stop trying to fuck animals.  It’s gross.  And wrong.  And it is NOT the equivalent to homosexuality because two adults of the same species can make their own mutual decisions… but you just can’t fuck a goat and say it is okay.  I imagine it is painful; uncomfortable at the very least… so stop thinking about it One Million Moms!  It is wrong.  Very, very wrong.

This week, for the first time, the Asshat of the Week award goes to an entire organization of Asshats!  Congratulations One Million Moms!

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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