You Named Your Kid What?!?

June 7, 2013

Essays for Giggles


Start a conversation anywhere with anyone about unusual names and it won’t be long before the famous twins of Urban Legend, Lemonjello and Orangejello, turn up.

I first heard about the twins twenty years ago when a colleague told a story at a work conference about two boys who had been enrolled in a day camp that she managed. Ten years later, a doctor of my acquaintance insisted that he knew another doctor who had delivered a pair of twins by these names. (Different town. Different year.) And so the story goes.

Other Tall Tales (or perhaps true ones) include the little girl named Female (pronounced Fe-Mahl-e), or a child another co-worker at a different job decades later insists was named “La-a” (pronounced LaDASHa). Get it?

I recently read an article online that listed the most hideous baby names registered with the social security administration last year. The article chose to focus on those names given to a total of five individuals (five being the minimum amount that is recorded; so there could well be even more hellish monikers out there assigned to just one or two unfortunate souls), but this article also noted that seven girls in the United States of America born in 2012 were named Anally.

I am going to give you a minute to let that sink in.

Are you freakin’ kidding me? If they’d had twins would they have named the other one Vaginally? Or the third in a set of triplets Orally? Are there perhaps other bodily orifices ripe with sexual connotation that they could have named their infants?

Those seven baby girls should be in foster care, right now, until their idiotic parents get an attorney and legally change their child’s name to something decent people can say out loud at a dinner party.

Last year, somewhere in our vast land, five girls were named ASSia and five boys were named AbASS. Seriously? You just named them ASS? Are they Anally’s siblings? You might as well start torturing them now to toughen them up for the playground in a few years.

Five boys were also named Harshit. What the hell is the obsession these people have with their anus?

Then there was Ahmiracle and Dmiracle given to five girls each in 2012, plus there were nearly 800 girls named just plain Miracle, and then there were your Jamiracles and your Lamiracles. One of my pet peeves is adding a fake French-prefix to a name and thinking you’ve come up with something fancy. So the parents of Jamiracle and Lamiracle just took a stupid name and made it stupider.

And hey, like many women, I had some trouble conceiving. I saw some specialists, and considered some fertility treatments, though thankfully nature took over and I didn’t have to go down that painful and emotional path, so I totally dig that babies are miracles and I am thankful for my “little miracle” every day, but Dear Lord, I wouldn’t have named her Miracle. You might as well name an unplanned child Accident or Oops.

Then there were the names that you think surely to God, these fools could not have known the meaning of, like the boys named “Carrion”, was Road Kill too hard to spell? Or the babies named “Dolton”. Perhaps Dunce Cap seemed too precocious?

And I fear for the girls who were legally named Beautyful and Pretty or the boys named Handsome. These are not affectionate pet names, but the names on their birth certificates. Dear God, please don’t let them be ugly. Or even plain. Or God forbid the Youniques of this world aren’t. They will be scarred for life. Well… even more scarred than they already are from such resoundingly ridiculous names.

I’m not sure if the morons who named their children Money and Pryce intend to pimp them out or not, but that is a bad thing to do. Both naming them Money and/or engaging in child prostitution.

I mean these names aren’t as bad as that, but I do think they rise to the level of some sort of psychological abuse or defective parenting or something. Profound stupidity and decades of inbreeding, maybe?

The names Ikea and Disney make me want to cry. Why? Why would you do that to someone you profess to love? Or Erie? What, Freaky, Creepy and Scary weren’t interesting enough for you? Are you the Addams Family?

I was waited on in a retail store the other day, by a young lady whose name tag identified her as “Linarian.” I am sure her Momma loves her and apparently wanted her to be a Librarian, as opposed to a cashier at Ross, but that is a stupid, stupid name. And she seemed like a very nice woman. I felt sorry for her.

A few years ago, I heard a news report that resumes with certain, shall we say, ethnic-sounding names were less likely to be called in for an interview. So I did a little research.

Qualified resumes with applicants named “Lakisha” and “Jamal” are 50% less likely to receive an actual interview than ones with names like “Emily” and “Greg.” A hundred years ago, the twenty most popular names were nearly the same for both blacks and whites; today, names like “DeShawn” and “Shanice” are almost exclusively black, while whites, who have also increasingly chosen more distinctive names, lean towards names like Cody and Caitlyn.

This is not exclusively an issue among African Americans, thousands of Jews, Asians, and other minorities have changed their names in order to melt more cohesively into the pot.

No matter your ethnic background, race, hair or eye color, parents must understand that they are perhaps dooming their child to a certain fate.  It is highly likely Beautyful will wind up on a stripper pole. Carrion will be a taxidermist and Harshit will be mucking out stalls.

So please, please, let us all work to stop this nonsense of giving children re-freaking-diculous names in an attempt to make them Younique.  It’s not working.

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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5 Comments on “You Named Your Kid What?!?”

  1. Monty and Monica Ray Says:

    You don’t have to go to just 5 individuals to find “curious” names. Dolores and Milagro are very common Spanish names. The first means pains. After I had a child I suddenly thought of that common name and thought – how cruel to name your child right in the instant of birth! That’s all you remember about her for the rest of your and her life I thought. The second means Miracle. No one bats an eye at either one! Funny how you can just get used to anything and stop questioning where these things come from.

    Love your post!!!!


  2. Melanie Vare Says:

    Hilariously terrifying! Hubby and I just read this…think we’re gonna go with Jennifer or Mary now. 😉


  3. haydendlinder Says:

    “So the parents of Jamiracle and Lamiracle just took a stupid name and made it stupider.”

    This is internet gold!


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