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The Revolution is On

March 26, 2015

Essays for Giggles

squat-sign

Montgomery, Alabama has long been on the forefront of powerful social justice movements, changes in our society that have impacted the way our entire nation lives and relates to each other.

You now have the chance to be on the frontlines of a new movement, a revolution if you will.

I have one word for you: Penises. Women don’t have them. There are many things that we as women can do without them, but there is one thing we cannot.

Ladies, I’m talking to you, we cannot urinate standing up with anything resembling an accurate aim.

There are two kinds of women in this world. Those who sit. And those who squat. Now, Ladies, I’m not telling you what you have to do with your own ass, you can continue to squat in my New World Order if you want to, but you will be required – under threat of forced labor as a truck stop bathroom attendant – to carry sanitary wipes and disinfect your toilet lid before leaving the stall.

If you are a squatter – who hovers over the toilet, like an alien spacecraft, holding your ass in mid-air through the sheer force of will and strong, thigh muscles, leaving your urine sprayed all over the stall, like a wet dog that just shook after a bath, you my female friend are on notice.

The revolution has begun.

Squatters: I am now talking directly to you: I have often wondered, what kind of arrogant heifer thinks her behind is too precious to sit on a toilet seat that others have sat on, but doesn’t think the rest of us mind coming in for an unsuspecting sit-down in her pee.

Do you know how gross that is? Do you know how many times, I have had to finish my shopping at Target, with underwear soaked in your urine?

You’re probably the same people who don’t pick up your dog’s poop, …which is my next crusade, by the way… but I have had another woman’s pee running down the back of my leg, so often that I have a new routine, in which I am required, to bend close in the dim light, looking for your pee droplets, if found, tear off toilet paper and clean your pee from the lid, before I can sit down.  Which really, still isn’t that good, because I know your pee was sitting there just seconds ago.

And since I have a daughter, I now have to do this for two stalls, every time we use the bathroom in public, which can be problematic if you’re in a hurry or your kid is doing the pee dance.

And why in the hell, should I be the one, cleaning up after YOU.  Do I look like your maid? Do I look like I enjoy cleaning toilets? No, I don’t. I don’t look like I enjoy that.

One day… I caught one.  And this is important because solidarity and public shaming are going to be the keys to winning this war.

It was, of course, in a Target bathroom, and I happened to be entering a stall just as the Squatter was leaving.

While she was washing her hands, I was in the cubicle using a scrap of toilet paper to clean her pee off the seat.

I stared through the crack of the door out at her.  She looked normal.  Yet, something must be very wrong with her.

I did not confront her because then I would have been the one embarrassed, which is stupid, I know.

But I make myself this promise now, and ask you, my fellow Sitters to join me:  The next time we catch one, we must confront them.

There are a variety of methods. You can be nice:  “Excuse me ma’am, I’m not sure if you realize that your phobic reaction to public toilets has caused you to spray urine all over the stall like a cat in heat, but I would appreciate it if you would take a moment to clean up after yourself in consideration of the next user.”  Then quietly hold out a few squares of toilet paper.

Or you can be a bitch (depending on what they look like and the possibilities of it getting physical):  “Do I look like I want to sit in your pee?  Do you charge for your Golden Showers or is this a freebie?

You could have some business cards made up that you can quietly had to the accused that says something like “Hey, do I look like I want to sit in your piss?  Clean up after yourself, you old cow.”

Or you could be proactive and help spread word of the revolution – you could make some pre-printed post-it notes that you leave behind in every stall that says: “Don’t be a “B”, clean up your “P”.  Just pop one on the back of the door every time you relieve your own bladder.

I think if we can catch them – and shame them – that we can win this war on public health and personal dignity.  It’s worth a try, right?

So, Squatters, unite. Sitters, join us. Men – talk with the women in your life.

As you finish reading this, know that the revolution has started at this very moment, and it will go forth across the land, spreading the God Given Right of a Pee-Free toilet seat to every woman in this country.

Thank you. And God Bless the United States of America.

 

You can watch me read this story at Cheaper Than Therapy – A Storytelling Show at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSIeAjMXOYJzF4wGMoGv1Kg

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About reneadijab

Renea Dijab

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3 Comments on “The Revolution is On”

  1. healthyfrenchie Says:

    Thanks for the laugh! If I over I always make sure to clean up since I would feel embarrassed for anyone to come after me!

    Reply

  2. Lisa Nolan at Monkey Star Pres Says:

    You go mama! I hate squatters who can’t clean up after themselves! The no-squat revolution is on (after I do the laundry of course, LOL)!

    Reply

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